Out of every hundred babies delivered, one or two will be stillborn or will die within the first week. This is a tragic blow for the parents. You will need help in trying to cope with your terrible loss.
At first you may feel numb with shock and find it hard to believe what has happened. The pain gets worse when you realize that all your hopes and dreams are lost. You’ll go through bouts of blame, resentment and depression of the overwhelming sadness.
You may find the hospital surroundings intolerable, with the sounds of babies and joyful new parents. But don’t rush home too quickly: the hospital staff are the best people to help you during those terrible first days. You can ask separated from other postnatal patients if you wish.
It’s now believed that it’s better to see and hold your dead baby if you can bear to. Even if the baby is born with a congenital abnormality it’s better to see it: otherwise you may imagine defects worse than the reality.
While you’re still in hospital, you your partner must register the birth (a legal requirement for any delivery after more than 20 weeks of pregnancy) and decisions about burial or cremation and
whether or not you want a funeral service. These tasks are very painful, but are of grieving and accepting the reality of loss.
You must talk to your doctor about the reasons for the death, and try to express all your fears about whether it’s likely to happen in the future. You must ask all questions that torment you, such as ‘Did I do something to cause the death?’ and ‘Could it have been prevented?’ (almost certainly ‘No’ to both questions).
The weeks and months ahead will be very difficult. It’s hard to face the world after the loss of a baby. No matter how sympathetic people feel, they have trouble dealing with others’ grief. Don’t try to spare people’s (or your own) feelings by pretending that you’re ‘taking it well’. This will only prolong your suffering.
Loss of
a baby can change the relationship between the parents. Your bond can be
strengthened if you can discuss your feelings freely and share your grief together. Unfortunately some couples can’t confide their feelings and consequently withdraw from each other.
Many hospitals provide social workers who
will keep in touch with you at home (it you
wish) to help you cope with your grief. You may need this help for months after the death. When you become pregnant again, your grief for
the loss of your baby will be added to the natural anxieties of a pregnancy. It can be a very rough time, with the grief taking away all the excitement and joyful expectations of pregnancy. You’ll always mourn the loss of your baby, but slowly, as time goes by and with many
ups and downs, your sadness will become
less painful; be prepared, how-
ever, for ‘anniversary reactions’ on the birthday of the baby you lost.
Community services for pregnancy
• Childbirth Education Association has branches in most States; it provides support, options and birth preparation for expectant women and their partners.
• Nursing Mothers’ Association of Australia
PO Box 231 Nunawading VIC. 3131 Tel. (03) 9877 5011
The association provides information resources, 24-hour telephone counselling service, equipment sales and hire, meetings and discussion groups.
• The Multiple Birth Association will provide services for families with multiple births, such as self-help groups, pram and equipment hire, antenatal information and social contact. Your doctor, midwife or hospital will put you in touch with your nearest branch.
• Your doctor or hospital will advise about where to go for Genetic Counselling and information about inherited and congenital disorders. There are community support groups for many inherited disorders.
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