The same goes for a child who keeps running away from home. Every city has its share of homeless street kids. Obviously there will be a number of reasons a child would run away from home but things would have to be pretty unbearable for them to find life on the streets more appealing.
A percentage of these children would be escaping from sexual abuse.
Kay is now twenty-three. She was abused by her stepfather from the age of seven until she was fifteen. ‘At first he would turn out my light and get under the covers with me and fondle me. He told me I had to keep it a secret or he would kill my kitten. Later he would tell me that if I said anything to Mum he would kill me or my sister. After a while … I can’t remember exactly how long … he started putting his finger inside my vagina. When I was about ten he started putting his penis inside me. It felt like I was being torn apart. I felt bad and I felt dirty and I can remember this horrible nausea and panic whenever he told my mother he was going to take me up to bed and tell me a story. I used to think it was somehow my fault and I wanted to stop it happening but I didn’t know how. So I ran away and they came to get me. So I ran away again and they came to get me again. I even tried killing myself with pills I found in the bathroom cupboard when I thought there was just no way out. When I was fifteen I ran away and this time I made sure they didn’t find me.’
Kindergarten staff and schoolteachers have a special responsibility to look out for children who are withdrawn or seem depressed, especially if the child’s moods swing obviously from day to day. They also take notice of a child whose grades start to suffer. Now these signs can result from any serious problems at home (like parents in the process of separating) so they need to be seen in perspective.
The other sign that teachers look for is unusual behavior with a sexual theme. Children learn by watching their world and copying what they see. Overt and inappropriate sexual behavior or language doesn’t come naturally to a child, so if that’s the case it’s being copied from someone.
Warning bells need to sound for parents if a child shows an intense dislike for a relative or a family friend. Tina was molested by the family’s nextdoor neighbor for two years from the age of eight. ‘I remember he would ask Mum if I could bring -him over some garden tool or some ingredient he needed in the kitchen. I always knew it was just an excuse to get me over there on my own. I used to try and find any excuse I could think of to get out of it. I would even point blank refuse, go and hide, or cry that it was unfair that I had to run all the errands. Mum would tell me to stop being so naughty and that I had to do what she asked. Of course she had no idea what was happening.’
The reaction a person gets when they reveal the secret makes a big difference to their future. Susie sought counselling for the eating disorder bulimia nervosa. Through her counselling she revealed that she had been abused by her babysitter when she was five. She tried to tell her mother what was happening but she did not believe her, so did nothing to stop it. ‘I don’t trust anyone. Even when I find myself attracted to another person I stop myself getting too close because I don’t want to get hurt.’ Marie told her counsellor what she wanted to achieve. ‘One day I want to be able to put myself first sometimes; to look after myself instead of always satisfying the needs of other people. I find I even put people I don’t particularly like ahead of myself. Mind you, I hate myself. I’d like to be able to like myself.’
Not liking yourself is a serious business because, like Susie, it can mean you don’t care enough to look after yourself. That can mean taking serious risks with your personal safety and not caring about your diet, your general health or your appearance. Sexual abuse has also been linked to substance abuse as a way of numbing the emotional pain or trying to make the bad memories go away. That can mean drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs like cocaine or Ecstasy, or taking tranquilizers that artificially alter your moods for a while. Unfortunately when the drugs wear off the pain is still there. It is just a temporary way of covering up one problem with a different problem. You have a real uphill battle overcoming the drug or alcohol problem until you are able to contend with the feelings you are needing to cover up.
*14\17\9*
